Attention Parents

Attention all you parents of little bundles of joy. You newly blessed individuals who are looking into your children's eyes. I just wanted to tell you congratulates . . . and give you a bit of advice.

1. Yes, your child is likely adorable. The smile for pictures, and we save those moments where they are most darling. I too love children, so I can appreciate those moments, but let's all face reality. Children whine, cry, scream, and complain A LOT, and those around you who have not yet chosen to have children do not (in all likelihood) want to put up with you obnoxious child.

2. Amusement Parks are not a place for small children. They whine and cry as they get sun burnt while you attempt to enjoy yourself. You place them in these baby "slings" and tote them around all day only to wonder why, in 10 years, your child complains about his/her back. Think about the consequences of your actions, and perhaps even research the things to which you are subjecting your children (but perhaps I am asking too much . . . the general population researching? What was I thinking?).

3. Amusement Parks are not for hyperactive approximately 10-year-olds either. If your child is going to stand in line and sway back and forth careless of those behind or in front of him, he does not belong at the park. If he is going to grab onto the railings and swing his feet into those around him (who don't even know him), he does not belong at the park. If he is going to disappear frequently in line causing you to run after him and disrupt those around you, he does not belong in the park (GET THE PICTURE??!!??).

As you can probably tell based solely on this rant, I recently went to an amusement park and saw so many things that I would not dare even try to describe. I think the best way to leave this post is to say, the oblivious nature of self-centered and egotistical parents amazes me!

Seeking Assistant

Wanted: Legal Assistant
Ability to multitask is a must. Should be willing to work with 2-4 assignments full time. First emphasizes family values and family related issues. If you are a team player and could start immediately please send your cover letter and resume to the following:

Big Fat Liar
c/o Pain in the Rear
1234 Lawyer Lane
Everywhere, US 12345

When you look for a job, people will write and tell you things (such as the above). They often want you to be impressed by their firm/company/business before you ever step food in the door. What they don't write is any truth. They don't tell you how things would really be should you take the position. Again . . . they lie! If they were to tell you the trust, ads such as the one above would look quite different. One may read as follows:

I am a big fat liar so believe what you are about to read at your own peril. Our firm is seeking a masochistic individual who would not mind being the social outcast and verbal punching bag for those who endured such things long enough to again seniority (something few people actually obtain at our firm). We need someone who is able to multi-task to the Nth degree while also doing work for others that requires multitasking to the Nth degree. The winning individual will believe he/she has set hours, but really he/she will be required to work until all bins are empty at the end of the day. Individual should not be surprised when bins are full again the next morning either. Individual should be pleasant on the phone and courteous to all who visit. Should a lawyer not know how to write, spell or speak, translation skills will be necessary. Ability to speak Spanish and Solomonese is a plus.

SERIOUSLY . . . who would actually answer that ad. By the way . . . that ad does not even begin to do my job justice, it is simply something I wrote in order to release a bit of afternoon frustration earlier this week.

Computer Training 101

So you’re sitting at you desk and you receive an email that you need to log in to have an e-meeting with someone who works within your office (a different branch) and that you should be expecting a conference call in roughly half an hour. So you wait in anticipation for the training that you will receive over the telephone and Internet. You ponder the many things they could teach you about the software your new office uses that you have never used before.

The phone call arrives. You answer anxiously. Log in to the Internet program as instructed. And then the training begins.

The instructor says: “Now to begin your lesson we’re going to talk about how to turn on, log in, log off, and turn off your computer.”

You: OK (to self: SERIOUSLY? As the guy continues to ramble you begin to think. In order to get to the session you had to be on the Internet. To be on the Internet means that (at this office at least) you HAVE to be logged in using your user name and password. To be logged in means that you had to turn on your computer. Thus, couldn’t half of this lesson be deemed completely useless?

Next Lesson: Microsoft Outlook

Instructor: “Now to read the email that you have received . . .”

You: (to self: oh come on . . . you sent me an email which prompted me to be logged in to the program, wait for a phone call, and be in my office at a designated time. Is this a joke?)

Lesson on Microsoft outlook continues with more useful information that is specific to your office.

From the opening lessons taught to me by this instructor I learned the following . . .

There must actually be people out there who have the ability to read their email with no knowledge of Microsoft Outlook or how to even turn the computer on. Darn . . . those people are talented . . . perhaps they should have my job! (more seriously . . . I suppose there are people out there who could have had someone else get everything set up for them and then the instructor would actually be teaching something.)